Wisdom

I had the pleasure of ‘meeting’ a new subscriber this morning…

Back Stories: Karen Jacobs

, an octogenarian who is a bit more into her 80th years than I. Hurrah, another woman who will share her experiences and wisdom as an artist, writer, wife, and mother.

Wisdom…no one is born wise. We can become wise if we have the willingness to cultivate the following:

• Learning the difference between knowledge (facts and information) and wisdom (knowing how to apply that knowledge effectively)

• Wisdom is not simply a function of age (we may have met old fools) but it is a reflection of past experiences now used in the present and remembered for the future

• Wisdom involves not only practicality but also ethics and it requires discernment, empathy, and an understanding of the long term consequences of our actions

• A hallmark of wisdom is a recognition of the limits of one’s knowledge with humility, a willingness to learn from others and to re-evaluate what we think we know

• Wisdom is akin to Wise Mind which we spoke about some time back. It integrates emotional intelligence with rational thought.

How does this sit with you?

I think we use the word Wise as in Wise Women regularly but in our culture we don’t often speak of cherishing the notion across our society, religions, nor current philosophies. Certainly not in the manner of the ancient Greeks who considered wisdom to be the highest virtue, exemplified by Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. People from all walks of life traveled to consult the Oracle of Delphi seeking guidance both in the personal and the political realm. I visited the site of the Oracle myself as I pondered my marriage (what to do, what to do) and I still have dreams about being there. Actually, we both knew what to do but neither was ready.

I’ve long been drawn to Eastern Traditions (Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism) and indigenous cultures. Along the way, I’ve adopted practices which I fall back on when feeling the ‘crunch’. And you, what bolsters you when you don’t feel on steady ground?

This is a period in life when I’ve been engaging in what some call a Life Review. I believe I would have benefited from doing this earlier. In case you might not have encountered the words Life Review, here’s what it is: questions as prompts designed to help individuals reflect on their past experiences, relationships, and personal growth. Common questions include: "What are your greatest successes?" and "Who have been the most influential people in your life?“ and “What might you have done differently?” Various sites have their own format. None are that much better than the rest.

What you might not have heard of is Esther Perel’s card game “Where Should We Begin?” which she developed during the Pandemic. It can be played with friends, family, co-workers or even alone when one chooses a random card and considers that particular question. Here are some examples:

• I’m proud when I stood up for myself when…

• A major challenge I’ve overcome …

• A scent that makes me nostalgic…

• A story I’ve told one too many times…

• My most irrational fear…

• The last time I cried…

Some cards are NSFW and can be removed if the setting/group is not appropriate. The word ‘meaningful’ can be overused, IMO, but this interesting game written by a world famous relationship psychotherapist and sexologist opens up a deeper level of engagement. Please tell us if you’ve tried it.

So back to wisdom. A character trait I have been known for since childhood is stubbornness. As an adult, I’ve been challenged by recognizing the limits of my ‘knowledge’ and notions. It’s taken years for me to find the willingness to examine, for example, how my marriage came to an end. People I was close to ‘understood’ he was a philanderer and by default, I was the victim. But no, not exactly. I was not free of my own betrayals. I had ceased caring as long as there was no public humiliation to me. It was an unspoken agreement which I was satisfied with but in retrospect, he was not. And he kept upping the ante until the inevitable confrontation. The lies and sneaking around are bad but I was outraged with biggest lie he told…”It’s nothing to do with you, it’s about me.” What do you think? What would you have done? It’s taken years for me to have the humility to examine my ‘knowing’ what affairs were about. There are no shortage of people having affairs and often it is so that affairs are not about wanting to discard the primary relationship but about a partner who is wanting to reclaim parts of themselves which can nolonger be experienced in that relationship. Consider that. Hmm. As you know, I divorced him. Am I sorry? No. And I’m grateful I finally became a bit wiser from becoming a bit less stubborn. Sometimes/often, we think we ‘know’ but as the saying goes, often you know squat. So, what are your thoughts…how often do you challenge your ‘knowing’?

Confucius reputedly said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” How are you learning wisdom, my dear Friends?

To end…I reread one of my favorite poems (and it’s not by Mary Oliver) “Ithaka” by Constantine P. Cavafy written in 1894. The imagery is wonderful. I love it and I hope you do, too.

“Ithaka

---

When you set out for Ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.

Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, what joy -
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.

Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don't in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn't anything else to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn't deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood what these Ithakas mean.”