In a catch-up with my dear friend and daughter of my late sister-friend A., Maria, who is now in her 40’s noted her observation that there wasn’t a ton of dignity in aging.
As this elderly body slows down, grit is a word that is with me constantly, or as I also like to think of it, obdurate self-sufficiency. I mutter the word going painfully up and down stairs with laundry, picking tomatoes and filling bird feeders. For all the difficult mundane "stuff", there is joy in breathtaking sunrises, full moons and starry nights, in seeing Orion dancing above the horizon at four in the morning. There is joy in the first coffee of the day and good things bubbling in the kitchen, in a good book, in my dog's silky ears. I savor every moment, and I have a whole new relationship with joy.
Ah, Cate. As usual, you have the perfect words...obdurate self-sufficiency. IMHO, sometimes it's only when we meet our edge do we step further into joy.
This is a wonderful reflection on all things about aging as we experience it in the final third of our lives. I love your scanning of your neighbors for all the varieties of adaptation, and your detailed unpacking of the elements of grit. I learned about Duckworth's work years ago when I was teaching parenting classes. I wonder whether there's been progress in answering the nature vs. nurture question as to where a person's grit comes from.
I'm glad you enjoyed this, dear Friend. That aging just in our culture alone involved so many choices and experiences was something I had not been thinking about even 10 years ago. I don't know, but suspect that in the nature vs nurture debate about grit, it's been agreed that like most things, epigenetics is the answer.
I'm going to keep this post forever which is not going to be all that long anymore. Grit is what's behind the words attributed to Bette Davis, "Getting old is not for sissies." I do have to push myself to do things that were once second-nature, like making homemade pasta sauce instead of store-bought. (An imperfect track record there.) Grit also means accepting and adapting to supports, because those supports keep one in the flow of life. I can't believe how many friends know they need hearing aids, but will not accept them.
The grit scale is so cool. I got "very like me" on all but number six. I'm guessing that isn't a great score. I will have to do the online version to see where I fall. I love the image. I have to say, based on my experiences as a home health nurse that I have always thought there is a ton of dignity in aging. Also, totally unrelated, I was reading a book that uses maiden, mother, matron in stead of maiden, mother, crone. Curious what your thoughts are :)
Hi, Barbara. I hope you do the online version tho as I said, whatever the score, that and a token will get you on the subway. And no matter what, we all come to meet our edges and are challenged.
Interesting subject to consider...using matron rather than crone. I know what I prefer but each requires something specific...matron connotes marriage or widowhood and crone to me is more than reaching a particular age... IMHO, a degree of wisdom. Labels...ach!
I think you're right Frances. I looked matron up and it comes from the Latin for mother (matrona). The modern connotations are more toward middle age. The author saw crone as coming from a patriarchal culture and doesn't like it. I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes and the idea of taking things back but I don't really like crone, either. I think elder is nice but then that implies somebody wise and age does not automatically confer that. Whenever I think of matron though, I think of big bosoms and lavender water. Anyway, just curious what you thought!
As this elderly body slows down, grit is a word that is with me constantly, or as I also like to think of it, obdurate self-sufficiency. I mutter the word going painfully up and down stairs with laundry, picking tomatoes and filling bird feeders. For all the difficult mundane "stuff", there is joy in breathtaking sunrises, full moons and starry nights, in seeing Orion dancing above the horizon at four in the morning. There is joy in the first coffee of the day and good things bubbling in the kitchen, in a good book, in my dog's silky ears. I savor every moment, and I have a whole new relationship with joy.
Ah, Cate. As usual, you have the perfect words...obdurate self-sufficiency. IMHO, sometimes it's only when we meet our edge do we step further into joy.
xx
This is a wonderful reflection on all things about aging as we experience it in the final third of our lives. I love your scanning of your neighbors for all the varieties of adaptation, and your detailed unpacking of the elements of grit. I learned about Duckworth's work years ago when I was teaching parenting classes. I wonder whether there's been progress in answering the nature vs. nurture question as to where a person's grit comes from.
I'm glad you enjoyed this, dear Friend. That aging just in our culture alone involved so many choices and experiences was something I had not been thinking about even 10 years ago. I don't know, but suspect that in the nature vs nurture debate about grit, it's been agreed that like most things, epigenetics is the answer.
xx
I'm going to keep this post forever which is not going to be all that long anymore. Grit is what's behind the words attributed to Bette Davis, "Getting old is not for sissies." I do have to push myself to do things that were once second-nature, like making homemade pasta sauce instead of store-bought. (An imperfect track record there.) Grit also means accepting and adapting to supports, because those supports keep one in the flow of life. I can't believe how many friends know they need hearing aids, but will not accept them.
Isn’t she wonderful (Mary Oliver).
Grit and determination are fabulous things.
But increasingly I find acceptance is just lovely too.
Hi, Emily....yes to all of your remarks.
I love Mary Oliver. I hope the years before she died were happy for her. She wrote little after leaving Provincetown for Hobe Sound, Florida.
x
The grit scale is so cool. I got "very like me" on all but number six. I'm guessing that isn't a great score. I will have to do the online version to see where I fall. I love the image. I have to say, based on my experiences as a home health nurse that I have always thought there is a ton of dignity in aging. Also, totally unrelated, I was reading a book that uses maiden, mother, matron in stead of maiden, mother, crone. Curious what your thoughts are :)
Hi, Barbara. I hope you do the online version tho as I said, whatever the score, that and a token will get you on the subway. And no matter what, we all come to meet our edges and are challenged.
Interesting subject to consider...using matron rather than crone. I know what I prefer but each requires something specific...matron connotes marriage or widowhood and crone to me is more than reaching a particular age... IMHO, a degree of wisdom. Labels...ach!
xx
I think you're right Frances. I looked matron up and it comes from the Latin for mother (matrona). The modern connotations are more toward middle age. The author saw crone as coming from a patriarchal culture and doesn't like it. I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes and the idea of taking things back but I don't really like crone, either. I think elder is nice but then that implies somebody wise and age does not automatically confer that. Whenever I think of matron though, I think of big bosoms and lavender water. Anyway, just curious what you thought!
My summary includes: Acceptance. Letting go. Attitude of gratitude. Move. Focus. Nature.
Beautiful, Linda. I can well image you are living all of them.
x
As you know most days have their challenges.